Wednesday, December 11, 2013
When Hope Won't Die
I made a public declaration that I was moving on. I gave away the custom crib bedding set. I gave back things that were borrowed, returned things that were bought, and boxed up everything else. I vowed that this was over. That we were not called to adopt like I thought we were.
And doing those things wasn't enough.
The hope won't die.
When the bedding ended up not being needed, my first thought was "God is sending it back to me. There must be a reason." And I beat that down like whack-a-mole.
A friend suggested I might receive a Christmas miracle. I beat that down too, with tears.
I was sent an email about an amazing adoption story. God, why are You doing this to me? Do you want me to still hope? Are you testing me? Are you desensitizing me?
Foolish girl, not everything is a sign.
This hope feels like fraud. It is bitter in my mouth. It is salt in my wounds.
A dear friend struggling with infertility once explained that some women have tubal ligations so that they can end, once and for all, the 28 day cycle of hope and disappointment. They need acceptance and relief. That is what I'm looking for but I just can't figure out how to do it. For the peace of my marriage and for my peace with God, I have to get there.