Thursday, September 01, 2011

Dear Me

Dear Me-Two-Weeks-Ago,

I know it feels like there is a sack of flour hanging from your heart. The profundity of changing seasons fills your mind every minute. Big things are happening all around you, namely, the new church starting soon. But at this moment your vision is tunneling rapidly onto one thing, one little person who gets bigger by the day. Church? What church? you say. Your son is going to kindergarten and there is no room for anything else in this moment.

On the night before kindergarten, you won't know who is more nervous - you or the boy? Is the boy nervous because you're nervous? Is he manifesting anxiety passed down by your DNA? Is it all your fault? Chill out, woman. When you wake up on the big day there will be peace. You will wonder why you made such a fuss. But you will want to crawl in bed at 5 PM because you are exhausted from all your fretting. Peace, peace, I say.

He is still the same boy you've known all along. He will wake up too early because he's so excited about school! When you lock eyes with him at pick-up each afternoon, his face will light up like a flash of lightning. He will remind you of Moses, who had to veil his face because it was so bright after having been in God's presence. You fear that he will not have the same enthusiasm with which he has greeted everything in life from Gymboree classes at 12 months old, Monster trucks at age 2, swimming at age 3, mixing his own instant oatmeal at age 4, to preschool at age 5. But you know him better than that.

Dear me, don't be afraid. He is going to love it. He is going to thrive. He is ready. And so are you.

27 comments:

The Hafts Happenings said...

I love the way you wrote this. So artistic.

Holly said...

At every age, there is always something more to love about your children. I know for me, I often smile and think, he's (she's) growing up and I LIKE who they are becoming. I even like me better than I did 13 1/2 years ago. Good iron has come and sharpened! Amanda, See you in B'ham!

JustJess said...

I love this!! Love that you are so frank about the experience and love the story told in only the way a Mama can tell it!

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

I love this post!!! My baby boy started Kindergarten a few weeks ago and what you wrote just explained so much of what I have been feeling over the past few weeks.

Meggie said...

I love this!! And vow to remember it when I'm in your shoes in just a few short years. =)

Carolyn said...

Hi Amanda - I've been a lurker for a few years now, but not always commented. I had to because your words brought tears to my eyes. I have 3 years until my son (first-born) starts kindergarten. Please don't archive this post - I'm going to reference it then for the encouragement!

Cheryl said...

So good! My first started K as well!

Kelli said...

Dear You,
That was a perfectly painted picture of those emotions.
Love, Me :)

Marc and Charity said...

Very sweet!

Lauri said...

I think I, too, am the "me" of your letter. Except you seem to have found some peace about it all and I'm still struggling with that. I never realized I was so adverse to change?? My kids are just about the same age as yours (son just started K and daughter is 2) and ever since school started last week, I have been in such a funk about all the change. It seems like both my kids have grown years in the past 2 weeks. This week I visited my son's former preschool teacher from last year, and her current class of 4-year-olds looked SO tiny to me. Were our boys really that small this time last year? And don't even get me started on my 2-year-old. As difficult and maddening as the toddler years can be, I am loving on her so much lately to soak in her toddler-ness before it, too, passes me by. All that to say...you're not alone, and I look forward to feeling the peace that you've managed to find for yourself!

Angie said...

Every year I get teary about school/friends/teachers ect.
And every year I am reminded.

"I've gone before them and you . I've paved the way. I love them more than you. Hold on to me, I've got this covered."

He hasn't let me -or them- down yet.

Crystal said...

Thank you for your honesty. My kids start school next week and it is the same exact feeling.
Thanks for sharing!

Crystal said...

Thanks for being honest. I have the exact same feelings as my kids start school on Tuesday. Thanks for walking this path of motherhood with us!

Growing in the Son said...

Ahh sweet sister ((hugs)). My how I understand. My youngest turns 14 tomorrow. He is taller than me, stronger than me and doesn't look like the curly haired 3 year old little boy I often picture in my head. I have lately been missing those days gone by. Then God reminds me he is still my little boy just in a man's body now. *wink* He still hugs me every morning and says, "How did you sleep Mom?". He opens doors for me, still brings me scriptures he finds, cracks jokes and is always my cheerleader. He's indeed that precious little boy still but now we get to enjoy life on a deeper level. And with each passing year that bond only grows deeper. I see the same happening for you! :-)

Ok now I'm teary eyed. *smile* Good tears, happy tears. Thank you for posting this today. It helps to know there are others at different stages but yet still experiencing the same Mommy feelings. (((more hugs)))

God Bless You Abundantly,
Melissa

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Really? It's going to be OK? Because my oldest starts 5th grade next week. Fifth grade! That's one year away from moving out of the elementary hallway.

I need to go back and read this again.

Kathleen said...

My baby boys are 17 and 14, Senior and Freshman in HS. I remember kindergarten like is was yesterday. Savor every minute! Love your stories about the kiddos!


Excited for your new church as well.

Kathleen

Erica said...

Precious! What a reminder!

annalee said...

just might be my favorite post you've ever written. love this and your son's character.

Lori said...

Thanks for this...it made me cry...my oldest just started kindergarten yesterday and I've been battling some of these same feelings.

Courtney (Women Living Well) said...

I love this. I could write many "Dear Me" letters! I've learned SO much as a mommy. The crazy part with this mom thing is by the time we have it all figured out - the kids will be fully raised and out of the house lol!!!

I hadn't stopped by in a while - I enjoyed looking back at your summer pics! Your blog always makes me smile! Thanks!
Courtney

Katy said...

I am sending my oldest to junior high on Tuesday (in MI we start after Labor Day, it's now a law)..... I woke up during the night and as I am laying there fretting over school, God calmed me with these words. Send him in to the building on his own. Really? That wasn't calming to my internal mother voice. Over the past week, I've decided I have to let him go. I can't walk him in, he may get beat up if I do. Being my oldest I tend to want to experience each moment with him, but this I can't. So I will drop him off and wish him a good day!

I am reassured that I managed it on my own at that age & so will he.

As he year passes and each milestone arrives, it doesn't get easier. A mothers heart is so sensitive to their babies and each stage of life.

Jennifer said...

Great post!!! My girl started kindergarden too! She walked right in and said "okay, bye mom"....So big!

Melissa F. said...

Amanda:
My heart went out to you after your "8 days.." post. I'm praying for you and your family as you walk thru this new season of life. My husband and I are part of a church plant and LOVE it...it is small and intimate but thru it I was introduced to your mom and her studies and then to you and your sister. Keep journaling and remembering Isaiah 30:15...b/c you do need some rest in this stage of life and your Father knows that! My oldest begins kindergarten next week and my 4 year old will begin preschool which leaves me w/ 2 others at home. I too feel a bit awkward as we enter a season of new adult influences in my kids' lives, reliving peer pressure thru my 6 year old and lack of sleep. You will do great, and so will I b/c we "can do all things thru Him". Take care. Love your posts!

Amy Beth @ Ministry So Fabulous! said...

I love you and your heart.

Just call me D said...

i love this.

i went to see your mom speak in new york when i was ten weeks pregnant with my little kindergartener and she announced that you were expecting. and now, those little babies are big boys. (just thought i'd share that part :)

i had so much anxiety about K too, but you are right- he was ready and so am i.

Shellie Paparazzo said...

So sweet! I should have wrote a similar letter to myself on my son's first day of junior high!

Shannon said...

Is it ok for me to print this out, hide it in a special place and pull it out when "my Jackson" goes to school next year?