Yesterday morning I woke up feeling awful. Just awful. I'd stayed up too late and then my mind wouldn't turn off and let me sleep. I had a headache and my house was in chaos with suitcases and stuff everywhere. I was overwhelmed by emotions, exhaustion, and needing to pull myself together and be Mom.
I opened up my Ruth study and got in the Word. I had some very strong tea. I prayed. Eventually I got us all dressed and ordered Chinese food to take to my mom's house.
And at some point during the morning, the Lord reminded me of something huge.
When I first found out about the Israel trip, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my family for such a long time to go on a trip I'd taken before. My mom even agreed with me. But as the months passed and trip details became clearer, and some of my favorite people in the world signed up to go, and my mom and sis and I considered how great it would be to be there together, I changed my mind. Surely I was supposed to go. Curtis would take the kids to his parents' house and they would have a blast. Surely.
I was never supposed to go. He'd told me but I'd stopped listening.
When God reminded me of that, everything changed in my heart.
After lunch with my mom, I couldn't wait to see everyone and hear about Israel. In fact, the kids and I met the staff for lunch today. (I admit I felt a little awkward around them after what I'd written.) During my funk I'd felt like I wanted to hide from them, so I knew the best thing was to do the opposite. The enemy loves to isolate us, doesn't he? He's such a liar.
Yesterday Annabeth started hitting. It took a few times before I realized what she was doing. Actually, it took a slap in the face. When her daddy came home she tried it on him, too. He scolded her in a deep voice and that bottom lip pooched out like nobody's business. She did it again right away and this time there were big, sad tears. It was tragic.
I laid her on my chest with her arms wrapped around me while she cried. There was no strain or fight in her body. She was completely abandoned to me. I felt so much compassion and love for her. God pinged my heart and I saw myself right there in His arms. He poured my love and compassion for Annabeth in a cup and made me drink it. I love you, too.
God is a safe and loving refuge for our hearts when they're in turmoil. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of bratty moments from me this year. What I love about my God is that because of Christ, He embraces me and fellowships with me while I wrestle through my moments. Like my toddler, it's my nature to run from my Father and bang my head against every surface in the house until I fall on the floor in a sobbing heap. But He scoops me up and holds me. He gives me the grace to surrender and comforts me when I do.