Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Step Away from the Kitchen

Our family is in a period of reorganizing. We've had a busy summer and our big commitments have come to a close. Summer day camp is over and it will be a few weeks before my kids start "school." Jackson will be in pre-k and Annabeth will start mother's day out for the first time. I don't really remember what it's like to be alone in my house and I am very excited to get in touch with that feeling again.

Since we're in this reorganization phase, I decided it would be beneficial to get reacquainted with my kitchen. Actually, if you want to get down to the nitty gritty, I was begging and pleading with my husband for something and my end of the deal was that I'd cook more. So there you have it.

It's gone pretty well until today! I made cheesy enchiladas on Monday night and still managed to get to my aerobics class at 5:45. I probably smelled like a sweaty onion, but I felt like every woman. As a bonus, I was so flushed from the hot kitchen that my skin looked youthful and dewy. Score!

Early yesterday morning I went to HEB to restock our fridge and pantry. And I think we were down to one diaper, which is not a good feeling. I tried to get everything I needed to make our favorite chicken cheddar rice bake. I haven't made it since before my weight loss extravaganza and it just sounds good. However, I was there so darn early that there were no rotisserie chickens. What!?!? Come on, HEB! Doesn't the early bird get the bird?

I thought it would be fun to deviate from our normal toast-for-breakfast routine, so I bought canned biscuits and some reduced fat breakfast sausage. Oh, help me Jesus. Y'all know I have major issues with raw meat. Beef is relatively easy for me because I can just remind myself that Curtis eats his steaks medium rare and lives to tell about it. But poultry and pork send me over the edge. And never once have I cooked seafood (beyond fish sticks) in my kitchen. So the sausage. I pumped myself up to be a big girl about it. I put the biscuits in the oven and boldly turned toward the roll of raw meat. I followed the directions perfectly. Yet when I turned the patties over they were totally blackened. Awesome. I sent a picture to my mom and said "Nanny lives on." My grandmother was famous for serving up sausage patties that looked like coal.

By then the biscuits were ready to come out and they were well done, to say the least. Four minutes later - just as the directions said - my sausage patties were ready! The other sides didn't get as black and I thought that was a good thing.

I obsessively cut into several patties to check for any pink and I thought we were all good. Then I started eating. And I couldn't fight the feeling that the meat was pink! Several patties went in the trash. I started getting a stomach ache just anticipating the impending food poisoning. Isn't it fun to be me?

Before my obsessive compulsive meltdown, Curtis, who should have been packing my bags to take me to a special home, wrapped a sausage biscuit in some foil to take with him to work. Then he realized he didn't have his wallet. (He'd left it at my mom's and she was bringing it to him later.) A look of sheer disappointment and devastation came across his face. He was totally playing me! He was taking the food as a front but still planning on going to McD's for cinnamon melts! Caught in the act!

In the end, how can I blame him? I overcooked the biscuits, over and undercooked the sausage, and even managed to steep my tea for twice as long as I should have.

I think the moral of this story is STEP AWAY FROM THE KITCHEN, AMANDA JONES.

45 comments:

Lauren said...

Makes me want to come over for breakfast!!! :) HAHA!!! I kid!! But hey, it happens to the best of us, girl!! :)

Spicy Magnolia said...

Oh, what a good laugh I got at Curtis' front...that is too hilarious! And I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that bargains for something I'm begging for! :)

Julie Marler (Mammy) said...

Keep trying...it will kick in one day! When I first got married (38 yrs ago!) I tried to fry chicken in butter! There were smoke alarms screaming within minutes!! And now I'm a pretty good coo....well, to keep from bragging...everyone talks alot about my food - in a good kinda way!
But I'm just dying to know.....what were you begging Curtis for that you finally gave into cooking more in order to get it????? Please tell!!!
Mammy

Ashley N said...

Oh,now THAT was a funny story...laughed out loud!

Ellen Grant said...

Aww man! One time I made banana nut muffins without the banana and nuts. One time I made lasagna and left out two layers. One time I put garlic in my hamburger meat and everyone spit it out. I feel your pain. Good thing Papa John's delivers!

The Taffs said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one with kitchen woes! : )

Care to share that cheesy chicken rice bake? It sounds gooood!

AMW said...

ha! this is hilarious...
I share your fear of raw meat, girl. I am obsessed with my digital meat thermometer (do you have one of those?? if not, you NEED one!) and check and re-check the meat anytime I am cooking pork or chicken. And Lord have mercy, during both of my pregnancies there was NO cooking of meat in my kitchen. Just the look, let alone the SMELL would send me into a gagging fit in under 2 seconds!
Hope your future kitchen endeavors end better--especially if you getting something you really want is contigent on you cooking more--it must be something fabulous for you to have made a deal like that! :)

Kandi said...

Ha! I feel your pain...I'm the same way in the kitchen, except you have a WAY better attitude about it then me. I do not. like. cooking.

We recently starting ordering from Schwann's (not sure if you have them where you live) and it has been a God-send. My husband teases me that he hasn't eaten so well in years! :) What a turkey. He deserves a punch in the arm for that.

Have a good one!

Marc and Charity said...

GIrl, these cinnamon melts are killing me! So is the sausage. I love it. But don't think I ate it once in the states and now I'm kicking myself. We always want what we don't have. On the upside, I've lost 4 pound since leaving Sonic.

courtney said...

Jimmy dean makes fully cooked sausage patties and links that you can heat up in the microwave. I stopped with the huge roll of sausage meat b/c they have turkey sausage in the precooked variety. Sorry about your biscuits, though. Don't give up!

HB said...

Amanda--

Don't let your little sausage biscuit mishap keep you from the kitchen. :) I have burned so so so many things and lived to tell about it. Burning things taught me how to cook. Truly. I, too, started out fearing raw meats. I started small with things like chicken breasts and boneless roasts and now am comfortable cooking and deboning a raw chicken. I am sure that you are a wonderful cook who could put McD's to shame any day! Keep trying. Btw, love your blog. I've read it foreva and hardly ever comment but I think you are just darling and hilarious.

HB

Katie said...

Oh my heavens, hysterical! The "over- and under-cooked sausage patties"...hahahaha. Raw meat, thankfully, has never, ever, ever bothered me...and thank goodness, because I love sausage balls way too much. Fish is SUPER easy to cook, and it always looks *clean*....in case you decide to put the apron back on. :o)

the Swaffords said...

Oh my stars. This was so hilarious! My favorite part was when you said that Curtis should have been packing your bags for a special home. That is so us! This too could happen in our home and I have been married for 16 years. The kitchen and I are not friends. Love it!

Siesta OC said...

Hee Hee! Love it!

Bobbie said...

Your so funny! Don't worry about the 'over/under cooked' sausage--just go buy your 'something' you wanted and try ham next time! Sausage is my favorite, but I shouldn't be eating it!

It's hard to believe Jackson will be in pre-k. My daughter teaches pre-k and absolutely loves this age!! They're so fun and say some pretty funny things, sharing whatever pops in their little heads from home. This will be a fun year for y'all!

Kim ~ Kay Kay said...

That was hilarious, I'm sure there are times when we were first married that my husband made a detour on the way to work for breakfast. I remember for dinner one night I made chicken and dumplings. A family favorite that I had made before marriage. But that first time I made them, he asked me to please never make them again. And I'm a pretty good cook. But they were some bad chicken and dumplings. We had a good laugh and through the years I've made them a few times and they turned out very good. So, just like everything else in our lives practice makes perfect. Keep trying and don't let this scare you off! They do have pre-cooked sausage patties. They have a healthy one too. Just check around plus they can be fast if you need them to be.
Keep going, don't give up!

Cara said...

Oh my. Life with all its modern convenience foods has spoiled us all, hasn't it? When I was a young growing up on the farm we had to butcher chickens (the whole deal, gutting, plucking, etc) and then eat them for dinner that same night. Cured me of the ability to become squeamish at the sight of raw meat. I'd recommend going to get a nice, simple cookbook and learning to do some things from scratch. Eating a lot of packaged convenience foods leaves you ingesting a LOT more fat and sodium than is good for you.

Just tell yourself you're a pioneer, and it is actually a lot harder to get food poisoning than you think. Really. Be strong in the Lord girlfriend, you can do ALL things (even touch raw chicken!) through Christ. LOL

Angie said...

Could've written this myself! There are about 7,392 things I'd rather do than cook. I always screw up SOMETHING and am paranoid about EVERYTHING. I have a sign in my kitchen that says, "I have a kitchen because it came with the house." Amen.

Skubaliscious said...

I do that same thing with meat...down to the symptoms of food poisoning that might happen later. Lucky for me - my husband is WAY better at cooking breakfast meat - so he gets to do it!

Good Stewarts said...

Hurry, have another baby so you can have meals delivered! Ha! Just kidding.

Lauren said...

No way; you don't have to step away from the kitchen. The only thing to know about cooking is that you have to cook things a few times to get the hang of them. Seriously, I only just learned how to cook bacon. I don't really eat it, so I never knew that you have to take it off the heat BEFORE it's completely crispy, and that it will crisp up a little while it cools. So that is why my bacon was burned for the first six years of our marriage. I also burned every cookie for like three years and each time I cooked chicken it was tough for about as long. Just took me a few times to get the hang of some things.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I thought sausages were supposed to be black. ("They aren't burnt," I tell the kids. "They are charred, and everyone knows, that's the best part of meat.")

By the way, I love that you had a Nannie. My Nannie is still living, although she is mentally absent at this point. I have a tender spot for any grandparent who shares that sweet name.

bethany said...

Oh how you make me laugh! That would so be me...even down to the obsession about raw meat. I don't eat the stuff because I can't bear to touch it! How crazy is that? At least you do cook it for your family :)

Eterno...Party of Five said...

So glad I found your blog!!! I've been reading the LPM blog and enjoy it so very much!!

Deirdre said...

I don't have freak out issues over raw meat, but I never can get sausage patties right. HOWEVER, since sausage itself is still a food-of-the-gods here is my suggestion - a sausage/egg bake.

1. take stale bread, crumble it up in the bottom of a well buttered baking dish (1 inch chunks are about right)
2. open a roll of sausage meat, brown it completely (like you do with hamburger to make sloppy joes) then drain the meat and put it in on top of the bread crumbs
3. open a bag of shredded cheese (swiss or cheddar are both great)and sprinkle 3/4 of the bag of cheese on top of the sausage.
4. whisk an equal volume of eggs and milk together in a separate bowl. season lightly with salt and pepper.
5. pour this mixture into your baking dish over the sausage and cheese.

6. bake at 350 for 45 minutes (or till done) When you are about 10 minutes from done you can put the rest of the cheese on it.

Now here is the fun part - you can do this ahead of time, bake it half way and freeze it. Or even bake it completely the night before and put it in the fridge. Get up the next morning, cut a square of it out and microwave it. tada! breakfast.

and no worries about undercooked sausage.

spiritmom said...

That was so funny. At least you didn't top it off by knocking your open purse off the counter and spilling the contents all over the floor.

The Mama said...

Toooo funny!!

What is it about this summer and reorganizing? I am doing the same thing over here!!

Marla Taviano said...

I love you anyway.

God's not so little dutch girl said...

Amanda,

I have had similar experiences in the kitchen! My husband is a MUCH better cook than I am. So thankfully for my girls, I have to work tonight, so my hubby is cooking for them! Don't give up, Amanda! Have a great weekend!

WendiNC said...

Great Value Frozen Pre-Cooked sausage (Wal-Mart) It is so delish and one minute in the microwave! My boys love it and less clean up too!

Cheryl said...

Hilarious!!!
I use to have that same issue with cooking sausage! I learned that you have to cook it slow to make sure it's done and then turn up the heat to get it good and brown!!

I once made stuffed shells but didn't boil the shells first...oops!

Kristin said...

Love the title of the post! At least you tried something new right?? I don't do sausage very well either....
Tame that kitchen into submission (at least that is what I tell myself before battle)

David and Kelli said...

Hahahaha! Oh, I am not kidding when I say I've cut many a meat open and had that same meltdown. Thank goodness I'm not alone!!! :)

Lysa TerKeurst said...

I have two words for the mornings you wake up and must have pork products...

Drive-Thru.

Do you need another Chick-fil-A care package? I think so. Smiles.

Sunni said...

More than once, have I been to early for a rottiserie chicken. It's a very frustrating thing!

The cheddar chicken bake sounds delicious!

Allison said...

In the freezer section they have pre-cooked sausage patties. The turkey ones are really good and not too bad for you. Just microwave and serve!

Monica said...

Or, buy those sausages that are precooked & warm them up in the microwave!!! That's what we do at our place. :o)

katiegfromtennessee said...

Oh you make me laugh, love your heart!!:):)

Monica said...

Thanks for making me smile today, great post. God Bless:-)

Boothbloggers said...

Amanda-I just finished celebrating your "birthday" in Lexington at a Living Proof Live event!! I was one of the bloggers that won tickets for your bday! I wanted to let you know what an awesome gift it was to me and my mom (whom I took with me) We drove down from Indianapolis and just had such an awesome time and had our eyes open to so many things! Your mothers' gift of teaching is just overwhelming and I am forever blessed and wiser because of it. Thank you for all that you and your family do to "feed" women the Word of God. Your mom has got to be physically exhausted after an event, because I literally hit my front door and went to sleep when I came home! And I was expending ALOT less energy than Beth! Anyway, thanks again-it was such an awesome weekend for us-my words really don't do it justice. My desert land is about to be plowed up!!! :)
:) love in Christ,
Kristy

Boothbloggers said...

P.S. I also strongly dislike raw meat-to the point that "hand" mixing meatloaf or touching raw chicken just isn't even an option. Thank the Lord for my patient wonderful meat-handling husband!!
Ha! glad to know I'm not alone!

Michelle said...

I just wanted to say that I too don't cook fish in my kitchen. Why? Because after you cook fish, the whole house smells like fish. I eat a lot of salmon, because it's so darn nutricious, but I eat it from the can, just the way God intended.

Sullins' Spot said...

Amanda!
My husband and I read this post together this morning and we both laughed until we cried! THIS IS ME! Everything you said is me but especially the raw meat part/preparing for my death from food poisioninf part! I loved it! Thanks for helping me feel a little more normal this morning!
Amy Sullins

Kelli said...

I always feel line I need to step away from the kitchen. I feel like we are all better off. :)

Shelli Littleton said...

Amanda ... I have found a great way to cook Grand's refrigerator biscuits. I think there are 8 or 10 in the package, right? Well, I squeeze them together in a glass pie pan ... bake them for 21 minutes on the heat the package recommends. They rise up and are soft just like my grandmother's always were (she doesn't cook anymore!). The one in the very center is worth fighting for ... no joke!!! I don't even spray/grease the glass pan ... they come out real well. Try it!