This evening I pulled into the driveway of my beautiful white house with black shutters and took in the sight of it. I'd been gone for eight days. It was good to be here.
That was normal.
What wasn't normal was the fact that I arrived to my home this evening via our family Suburban after a two-day journey from Missouri. What should have been was very different. Right now I should be on a Houston-bound plane from Israel with all my LPM co-workers and 90 volunteers. I should be horribly jet lagged and exhausted and looking forward to a sweet reunion with my loved ones.
On Sunday night, May 23, at 11:14, instead of meticulously packing my bags for the Israel trip, I was on the highway in Eufala, Oklahoma, where we received the phone call that Curt's grandma had passed away from the stroke she'd suffered that afternoon. Instead of savoring one last night together in our bed, we pulled into the nearest motel and tried to get a few hours of sleep despite the devastation we were feeling over suddenly losing Grandma and not making it in time to see her. Curtis had planned to head to Missouri with the kids while I was gone anyway, but the spirit of the trip was now to be much different. How dainty our plans are.
It was not a hard decision to go to Missouri with my husband and children rather than go to Israel as planned. It was not a sacrifice. I loved Grandma Dixon very much and it would have been horrible not to be there. I thanked God many times for the privilege of being there, and for letting me be a little part of an amazing family. I was grateful that He never let me step foot on the plane. Plus, I'd been to Israel as a teenager and I'll admit that softened the blow.
What is hard is this moment. My LPM family will be home in a few hours and the reality of what I've missed will set it. The stories. The pictures. The bittersweet we missed you's. The conversation I'll have with my sister asking when she'll be home again. Mom trying to downplay how great the trip was so as not to make me sad. I could already hear it in her voice when she called earlier.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm feeling hormonal and my Bible sat buried under clothes in my suitcase all week. But here is the point I'm trying to make. I feel a little bit wounded. This is the second big work trip that has been canceled by a family emergency. (The first was due to Curtis' surgery in April.) I find myself doubting everything our on calendar. I feel very undependable and I do not like it. I have a big trip planned for September and I wonder if I will ever make it there.
Then the question comes. Who exactly wounded me? No one. This was no one's fault. But God ordained it. And why? Is He trying to tell me something? Is He mad at me? Is He trying to show me how little control I really have over my life?
I don't know the answers but whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning, I want to learn it. Not just learn it, but graduate summa cum laude, walk the stage with an honor sash around my neck, and be done with it. This paragraph alone shows my maturity, doesn't it?
I need His grace.
The good news is that I still have a plane ticket to Atlanta and a plane ticket to Tel Aviv. Now, to find the time on that fragile calendar.
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21
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74 comments:
I love reading your blog - you are so real and often share things my heart only ponders on.
As the momma of four - often times we cancel things and it is so frustrating. Plan a trip - cancel a trip. But it is so important to remember that God is in control and He cares for you and one day the puzzle will be clear to us! Until then, keep on planning! Enjoy those babies and keep on writing. You can learn about all of our mishaps and fun times at sixleonards@blogspot.com
I was thinking those thoughts for you. After ATL got cancelled (still sad) and then this...... I knew you probably felt really frustrated. I know you wouldn't trade being with Curtis or his family for anything and you were in the right place both times - but still. UGH!
I'm praying and I will start praying with intent that NOTHING interferes with your trip in September. I know first hand how amazing that trip is going to be and how God is going to use you! Don't let Satan talk you into fear or backing out.
God's ways are not our ways and it's hard to understand until we get the big picture. Either here or in eternity. (I have learned that over and over and over)
I love -- and even more, appreciate -- the raw honesty of this.
I love this, too, and welcome home even though it is bittersweet and not the way we had hoped. You always bless me with your words and when you share your thoughts and emotions. Saying a prayer for you tonight!
So needed to read this tonight, Amanda. My first grandchild is due in October about 2 weeks prior to two of the busiest weeks on my calendar this year. I have a whole bunch of people praying that he will arrive on time (and safely) and that I'll be able to go to CO and get back home on time but we all know how babies have their own timetable sometimes!
Good to be reminded that I am not in control and that God has my calendar in his grasp. Thanks for sharing!
I think I would be feeling wounded, too. :( I appreciate your honesty. I hope you feel His deep love for you and His approval of who you are and how tender your heart is before Him.
Thank you so much for your honesty!! I can empathize with you in a big way. Last Thanksgiving, we went to see my family (who are 14 hours away). We had to cut our trip short because my husband's grandpa passed away. I wouldn't have changed anything and I felt bad that my husband wasn't close by and unable to say goodbye to his grandpa before he passed. But at the same time, I couldn't help but wonder why. I only get to see my family once or twice a year, my youngest was only 5 months old at the time and I knew my parents wouldn't get to see him again before his birthday. I hope you're able to use that ticket to Tel Aviv soon!
Love reading your blog Amanda. You share your heart so openly and with tender vulnerability. It just blesses me. I will pray for you sweet one and ask God to bless you in a special way that is tangible to you. I know that you are thankful that you were there with Curtis and your family through both times that you missed a planned trip but it is still hard to understand the why's. I understand because I too am asking Him "why Lord?". But as your verse says, It is the Lord's purpose that prevails. He has purpose. We just don't understand it.
I've got tears streaming down my face for you, Amanda. I wish so much I could take your pain away. My heart hurts for what you've missed.
I needed that verse desperately tonight. I needed everything you said. I'm struggling right now with plans that aren't working out. And so frustrated that I can't seem to trust God knows best.
And I'm reading a book about a young girl growing up under the Communist Khmer Rouge (in Cambodia, where we're going, LORD WILLING, in July) whose father has just been killed needlessly and her sisters have died of starvation, and I want to be more grateful for all I have.
Sorry to dump. I'm praying that your next trip is ON and that God just blesses you beyond measure in the coming weeks and months.
Love you! THANK YOU!!
I can empathize with your frustration and disappointment. Feel the same way right now. Why this? Why now? I can't tell you how many times over the past couple of weeks I have asked myself the same questions- what lesson, what did I do wrong,etc.I will be praying for you. Thanks for being brave enough to be honest.
My sister and I were talking about how it seems that God is pushing "family" right now to you. You've said how busy your calendar is--maybe He just wants you to be so aware of family right now.
Blessings.
Sweet friend...as soon as I read this I thought of Acts 16:6-11 (of course I had to go searching for it to find the exact reference), and then I thought, "I hope she knows she's speaking to the choir" on the whole feeling undependable thing...I have been back now only a few days short of the amount of time I was in Romania, and I felt so undependable and inconsistent there...but know that Satan is trying to attack your ministry to your family in making you feel that way. I hope that next time you come through town it will be on a happier note and that we can go have tea and cake together :). I love you guys!
It is no secret God uses moments like this to refine us. I am in a season like this as well. I keep asking God what he is up to.
God is definitely not mad at you. I just imagine a sweet smile when he looks upon you and your love for Him.
I know you will hang in there. I am praying for strength, friend, much strength.
I cannot wait until your next scheduled trip. Really, I can't.
Oh my goodness....you have no idea how much I needed to hear this tonight. Thank you for sharing your "real-ness." At the moment, I have been feeling very much like God is mad at me over something or punishing me because things aren't going quite like I planned. To put it quite frankly, my feeling are a little hurt that He isn't answering my prayers like I so wish He would. That verse was just what I needed to bring my focus back on HIM instead of on MY plans.
God never gets angry with His children-he loves us too much but he does allow some tough stuff!
We lost a grandma too-I'm so soryy for your loss. But if your grandma was anything like ours, Heaven just got more interesting!
I love your blog. I hope you know how your honesty blesses others! I will pray for you.
Amanda, your honesty is always refreshing and encouraging. I will rejoice with you over lessons learned and when God gives you immeasurable more!
PS I am praying for your trip in September, even now. Fertile soil!
Continually, you have been in my prayers, Amanda. And in the back of my mind, I could only think one thing as I prayed, God is bringing you and Curt through some hard things together and making you a strong family.
I love y'all and pray for you all the time.
We have had a hard weekend... and I am thankful for the strengthening God has given us, as we trust in what we do not see...and know what we do not know. If God brings us to mind this week, please pray for God's provision in some large things we need to take care of by mid-month.
I so get this.
Much love to you..
L
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post! I can so relate, as I have had to "change plans" countless times...and it can get so frustrating. Love the verse! That will be a good reminder next time my plans don't go "according to plan"!
He's not mad at you, sweet thing. He's shaping your life and your story. :-) Grieving for your sad heart...
Amen. 3 weeks till our return and things are not going as planned by me. I need God's grace.
Once again,I understood so well everyone of the current issues of your life! I often sing outloud, "Oft our cherished plans have failed, disappointments have prevailed..." It's a very old hymn that we sang when I was a child, but the words are true. We'll understand it better by and by...
The ending promises a clear picture later but we're stuck here with the "why on earth?"
You already know all of the spiritual answers and God WILL tend to your sweet little heart!
Our Sunday sermon was on this very subject so it is something everyone deals with. The pastor was filling in this Sunday and I know him very well. He has walked through more than a few life altering "why on earths!?" and has a real depth of character to show for them. His challenge to us was to...are you ready for this...Trust that God knows better than you do what is best! Profound!
I'm smiling because we hear that so much as believers that it's almost funny. I know that you know....God's ways are higher..God knows better..but until you feel it with your heart, just trust it with your mouth. He also challenged us to go 14 days without grumbling or complaining because even if we hate the present issues of life.....God knows what He's doing! Don't you just hate that you weren't there!! HA! If I did not love this man so I would have thrown a hymnal at his darling head!
His point was more resting in God's perfect plans and enjoy the times that they line up with ours. Either way we're good. It was more clear when he compared our young children thinking that they know what is best for themselves and not trusting that we only want the very best and that we know better what that best is! We assume that they should accept "cause I said so" but we are totally un willing to do so ourselves!
I love your honest posts! I love that you know that your mom will downplay the trip because she cares so much about your feelings..my girls and I do the same thing! I love that you chose the best thing for your family in being with your husband, and I know that it stings to think about what you missed. But I also love that you will give thanks IN everything because you are resting in the truth that this was God's very best in His will for you! (You may now throw your hymnal at my head!) Love you
Praying for your day and your heart, Amanda. I get it. And I'm with Holly...praying now for those September plans!
What a great verse there at the end of the post. How true that so many times God's plans are different than ours. Im sorry about your past week.
Love reading your blog.
Thank you for being real and transparent (and pretty hilarious alot of times too).
Sorry about your grandmother. Loved this post. I love all you emotions. I have a hard time expressing mine. xoxo
That is good stuff Amanda thank you for being so transparent!
Thanks Amanda, I needed that very verse today. I, too, had plans that I thought were all set and they have been all falling apart in the last two weeks.
I have to keep reminding myself that the Lord arranges all things with wisdom.
Thanks for this post.
Blessings, Sister Lynn
Amen and amen. Much love being sent to you!
We can surely see into your heart by the words you share...The verse you ended with is so true, but I often do not embrace it...
Have you ever read "What is a Family" by Edith Schaeffer? If not, do yourself a favor and get a copy right away.
Here is my advice though--skip chapters 1 and 2 (Edith is very wordy in those first two chapters and I got bogged down and put the book down for several years before I was encouraged to pick it back up with the advice I just gave you) Chapters 4-6 were radically life changing for me. Chapter 5 speaks to that which you blogged about in this entry.
Don't get me wrong the whole book is fabulous...but 4-6 WOW...it changed my life as a wife and a mother.
Thanks for sharing in a real way!
Isn't it interesting how God's ways and our ways often do not go hand in hand? I think looking back, we usually see the reasons for things happening the way they do and realize (of course) that His plan was the wiser one. Just to know the reasons right now would make the decisions and disappointment so much easier to bear!!
I don't know the answers but whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning, I want to learn it. Not just learn it, but graduate summa cum laude, walk the stage with an honor sash around my neck, and be done with it. This paragraph alone shows my maturity, doesn't it?
This has to be my favorite, and WHY? Because I relate so very well. I once had a woman in my Bible study group say, when I made an argument to learn and graduate from something with perfection, "You know, you're not actually Jesus!" I know!
I was sad for you to miss the trip. But I was so inspired by your faithfulness to your family. Maybe that is why (certainly one reason why)
love you so much, and thought of you every moment. Part of my joy in returning was getting to share it again with YOU. But really am sorry for your loss of this wonderful woman in yours and Curtis' life. I continue to pray for you and your family, and his. love you so much.
n.
Greetings Amanda:)
This post makes me think. It is hard to know why things happen the way they do. It was a good for you to thank the Lord for being able to be there for your family. I think that way too sometimes, "Ok, what is He trying to teach me, and I want to learn it! I don't want whatever He is wanting to teach me to be lost on me." You are right, we do need His grace, true that Sister:) In the hard or confusing times, it seems so simple, but to dwell on the fact that nothing can seperate me from His love, gives me immense comfort:)
Blessings to you today Little Momma,
katiegfromtennessee
I just want to send you a hug. And a listening, empathetic ear. I SO know what you're saying about wanting to learn a lesson well so there are no repeats.
Be kind to yourself today and let yourself feel what you feel.
Dear Amanda, I have been praying these very things for you over the past week and look forward to your triumphant graduation ceremony!
I try to graduate summa cum laude from all kinds of things, but you are right in that the lessons God teaches me should be where I really excel. I'm currently learning a lot about some of my reactions from your mom's insecurity book. Sorry you missed your trip. It is very true that our plans are very insignificant in God's grand scheme. Prayers for you in your loss and look to hills...remember where your help comes from. :)
Thank you for this timely word for me! I feel you. It's just like God to teach brothers and sisters things at the same time. I'm glad to know that I am not alone! THe sermon from church on Sunday was good for this. And I too was supposed to go on that Israel trip but couldn't and felt the sadness of it. Yet I too have been before so praise God! You know what's weird, I actually had a dream about you last night. No, I'm not a stalker freak.:) It was random and out of the blue. I think it was because I was thinking of the Israel trip. Anyways, it was your bday and we were like bf's and you seemed to be having fun. Ha. Ok, this is long now, sorry. Please know that I am so very sorry for your loss!!!
My heart hearts for you. I can imagine how excited you were... and then hearing of his grandmother's death and canceling the trip. I get this. I'm guilty of trying to figure out God's plan and then tweaking it every so slightly. Every time I am shocked when the plan changes and feel a little betrayed. When will I learn? It's an every day reminder that my mind is so stinkin' small. :)
Just dropping in to say thanks for your transparency. Prov. 19:21 is my life verse...so many, many plans I had for my life that have become something much more precious than I could have imagined. I'm holding on to that verse again as I travel down yet another road I had not anticipated...but knowing His purpose will prevail makes it easier to put one foot in front of the other. God bless.
hi amanda :)
my heart is hurting for you right now. life's unpredictability can be so confusing. throw in hormones and a bible under clothes in a suitcase (mine was untouched in my duffle bag all weekend as well) and it can make a woman feel heavy...and just kinda sad. i'll be praying for you. love~ traci
Amanda, I can only imagine how disappointing it must have been to have to cancel that trip, but what a wonderful wife you to go and support your husband. Just remember, when you do make that trip it will be an amazing experience!
Sweet girl, the longer you live and the longer you parent, your plans, like the elastic in your underwear, will stretch further and further. Take comfort in knowing that He plans for you and puts you in the places He designs. I know you were a blessing to your family this past week and that your ministry to them is no accident. Rejoice with those who went to Israel, for that is where He sent them. Rejoice for the place He put you, for that is where He sent you.
love you in the Lord!
heather
Amanda,
I appreciate how real you allow yourself to be on your blog. I am thankful that you can be vulnerable and not put on your pity-party-pants. Thank you for stating what most of us reading have thought but could not articulate: that we want to learn the lesson God has for us in the surprises of life, suma cum laude, with sash and honors and everything. To not miss the moment but let it penetrate so deeply we have pruney fingers and toes because of it. I am in such a "surprise" in life, desperately trying to learn the lesson of it...trusting if the lesson is never revealed this side of eternity. Blessings on you and yours...
~Jody
I really appreciate your honesty and that you share what God does in your life through victories and trials. I am praying that He reveals to you what He is teaching so that you not only graduate but you can share with others soon!
Amanda, you ARE an incredibly dependable person!! Your husband and kids and extended family can depend on you to be there no matter what. I so admire that about you. It's one of your most beautiful and God-glorifying traits. Those you love know that nothing will come before them if they need you. Your mom knows that, too. LP team knows it. You live the message of your ministry and work.
I have no doubt that you can be counted on. But for some reason, God is allowing some of your commitments to overlap. I know it's hard. I have been been living where you are in the past few months and for us who like to perform well (just talking about me, not you) it's hard to feel like we are not keeping our promises.
I have had to learn that God sees my heart and knows I want to be in more place than one. He's taught me so much about my inability to be omnipotent. Or is it omniscient. I want both. Anyhow. I am so glad you got the news before the plane took off. That is His provision and grace. I pray that your mix of emotions between the sadness of loss, missing your trip and Satan's attempt to make you feel guilty will be covered with peace and joy.
I'm praying a hedge of protection around your heart, your thoughts and your calendar as you live recklessly abandoned to the unknown because of the One you do Know. It's such a hard but safe place to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Renee
Thank you so much for writing this. I need to be reminded of this. . .
I pray the Lord will bless you to make it with your man to those trips, I'm sure they will be much better than you expect (since the Lord is planning ;)
I love, love, love what Holly said: God is making you a strong family. That's a hard thing, but it's so, so good.
Hi Amanda,
This is my first time commenting on your blog...Thank you for the honesty of your post. This really touches an area in my life that I am also dealing with.
I have been thinking about you so very much! You amaze me.
Praying for you friend! I thought that might be hard on you. May God encourage your heart today!
Amanda,
I have thought so much about you this past week knowing you had planned to be with your mom, sister & the Living Proof staff/volunteers in Israel.
I felt so bad that you missed the trip to Atlanta and then missed this trip too. :(
I'm joining the others who are praying that your September trip will go just as planned and that you will have a peace about it and that you won't feel anxious.
Curtis will always remember you being there by his side during this sad time. You're a precious wife & mother!
God bless you!
You are so real... and God is so real... and it's all really good.
I too am praying for your trip in September (please, Lord!?!) and God's perfect ways and nothing can thwart His sovereign, loving hand.
He holds us and it all holds together!
Grateful for you...
All's grace,
Ann (who is so happy that you got a Mac! and is praying with you for the families in Guatemala...)
Amanda, my heart just hurt for you when I read about you having to cancel your trip to israel, but I know that God has something better in store for you! You are an amazing young godly woman and I know that your husband is so proud to be your man!
That scripture was one of my favorite memory verses for the Siesta Scripture Memory thingy we did.
You are a blessing my friend,
Beth Herring
Amanda, your honesty in this post is so refreshing. Thank you for sharing your heart. I truly am so sorry you had the miss the trip, especially with your favorite people (obviously besides your husband and chidren). I would have felt a little robbed as well, and probably cried a lot of tears.
I know I told you this, but I feel like you could write a book titled "God Willing". He sure is taking you through that kind of season. I'm praying for you, friend. Praying for your trip in September now. Obviously His plans will always trump ours, but I'm praying He allows this trip for you and that it's the biggest blessing.
P.S. I don't find it ironic at all that I blogged this morning about Prov. 19:21. I've been hanging onto it lately, and this was just yet another reminder that the Lords purposes truly do prevail. He's working something out, for sure!
Bless your sweet heart. Praying God reveals Himself soon in this.
Oh, Amanda, I know these feelings all too well. I am so sorry. Surrendering. Why is it so hard to let go?
You are precious, Amanda. I think everyone has felt those very same feelings. I like to think that God is protecting me when things don't work out like I had planned. Whether it's physical protection or like you questioned, teaching me a lesson ... it's still protection. You love Him ... and He's looking out for you and working all things for good. Praise Him!
I so get the wanting to graduate and be done with the lesson! But I think there are some lessons we never learn well enough. And the one that god is the only one in charge is the hardest one for most of us.
Will you forgive me if i say that it does my heart good to know that it is hard for you too?
Deirdre
Sweet friend,
I needed to read this post today. I am walking through some of the same things, wondering what exactly it is the Lord is trying to get through my thick head. I, too, want to be done with it, move on from here.
Praying for you today.
You are just so sweet, and I love your honesty.
Praying for "this moment",
Joy
My heart hurts with you Amanda! I'm so sorry! You have had a tough spring!
I always think about when your Mom says... God is a "Yes" God... And when He says "no" to something there is always a greater "Yes" to come! (I think I got that right? I think that would apply here too?!?)
Anyway... Tried to comment yesterday but not sure why it didn't come through... my daughter was playing with my computer while I was typing my comment so who knows?
We all love you Amanda! : )
Cancellations are frustrating. Sometimes it is hard to see God in them but He is there. WIth every step, He is there.
Praying for you and your family.
I have been so encouraged by seeing you stand by your man over the last couple of months, how you've cared for him and walked through these unexpected moments together.
I'm so sorry that these awesome trips you've been planning on and been excited about have taken a different turn. It's so hard, I know! Whatever the reason or purpose behind the changes that God has allowed will not have been in vain. You are loved!
You amaze me! As a wife, a mother and a daughter! I am so blessed to have gotten to know you over these past couple of months.
I didn't read all the comments, but I have to tell you that I have so much respect for telling us that your Bible sat in your suitcase all week.
It would be so easy in your position to let us think that you have a quiet time every day without fail.
Thanks for being real. That's good stuff.
I can sympathize with your feelings of missing out...disappointments like those can really sting. But I'm inclined to think that it might not be that "God is trying to tell/teach you something," but more likely that the end of Curtis's grandmother's life was a story already set in place by the Father, whether you were going to make plans to travel or not. I'm not trying to minimize your hurt feelings, or judge them as wrong, just looking at the situation from a little different perspective. It might not have been about you and your plans at all, but about His plans in the lives of others that interrupted yours. All in all, the truth of the scripture you quoted stands true...and praise the Lord that his purpose prevails in all our lives!
Oh Amanda, I am so learning the same lessons in life. The lesson of being Spirit led, daily! I fail more often than succeed, but I know the Lord is thankful I am trying! He is showing me lately that even as much as a walk taken with His directing "no" is not blessed. The world tells us, "God doesn't CARE about those kind of details" and that is always rooted in a lie. Something He doesn't seem to speak on things, but He CARES about them all! I will be praying for you and I am so thankful He directs our steps regardless of our plans so regardless He takes the responsibility for us! THANK GOODNESS! Thank you for sharing your struggles!
K
My goodness, Amanda, I feel like you wrote the words on my heart about desiring to learn the lesson He's been trying to teach me, especially the part about graduating at the top of the class. Thank you for your honesty. Helps me feel not so alone!
Sorry about the death of Curtis grandma. Thanks for the reality of your post. I totally get your feelings. I went through those feelings this past winter - felt like God was crushing all my personal desires. I was going through Priscilla's "Discerning the Voice of God" during this time and it was so good for me. Just reminded me that I need to keep pressing into God and seeking Him fully and all the other stuff will work out whether I get the whys or not. I know I did not graduate high on this lesson though because I sure did have a lot of self-pity. BUT, I did find that the season did pass and I felt like God has since then been pouring out His blessing!
Your honesty in this post really spoke to me. Thanks.
Thank you for this post and know you are now alone in your hormonal thoughts. My husband and I moved to Houston in Oct 09 for my job. Unfortunately my hubby still has not been able to find a job (not in the plan), and not for a lack of trying. But God already had that planned out. He brought us to an incredible church, Houston's First Baptist, and an even more incredible Sunday School class and small group. The Hubs has been able to minister in ways he never would if he had a job. So, yes, I have my hormonal moments wondering if he'll ever find a job and we'll be able to get on with on lives(buy a home, start a family). But then God always reminds me that this is His plan and I should go with it. That is extremely comforting because He has always taken care of us.
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