Monday, May 04, 2009

All the Single Ladies

All the single ladies and brides-to-be,
When you are shopping for furniture to go in your home, and a lovely glass-top table catches your eye...



I want you to think of this. I know it's frightening, but enlarge it.



Because in a few years when you have a little boy who likes to do spit and fingerprint art, who likes drawing on glass rather than paper, who doesn't confine his mess to his plate or his place mat, and who wipes Cheeto residue and spills milk on the chairs, you will remember the day you saw the table so elegantly displayed in your local Bombay store, and you will want to knock yourself upside the head.

You will designate one special chair for your kid to mess up, such as this.



You will pray that God builds character in you every time you get the Windex out, which will be at least 5 times a day. Praying will distract you from thinking words like crap, heck, and dang, or any words that sound like them. Go ahead and stock up on Windex now. And since little boys are notoriously gross, you might want to get the Antibacterial Windex.

If you like it, then you're gonna have to Windex it.

98 comments:

Sharon said...

Oh Amanda,

Too funny... :-)

Much love,
Sharon, NC

Rachel said...

Not to mention a few split open heads from those beveled edges! At least that's what happened with my first (and only) glass top coffee table!

Alana said...

I have a glass table in my kitchen area too...fingerprints everywhere, all the time!!!!! Grrrr!

Annie said...

Oh, you should totally add light colored carpet to the list of DONT's for the Single ladies!!! MANY times I asked myself WHAT was I thinking?!?!? NOTHING gets out sweet potato spit up!!! We've since moved, and I totally learned my lesson on the light carpet!

Heather Kay said...

So funny! I sat at one of those and was really hoping it worked as a magnifying glass because my thighs were so huge. Unfortunately, no magnifying was going on. So, I have a nice wood table. (The glass would have helped me NEVER get seconds though!) :)

Rachel McPhillips said...

Haha.. don't you wish you could go back in time and tell your younger self not to buy certain things because your kids will destroy them or you will never be able to keep them clean? But, your younger self would probably tell you that she would NEVER have children that would ruin things, and said child would always clean up after herself and NEVER embarrass you in public too... *sigh*

AKat said...

Ha! Thankfully ours isn't glass, but I really like this table a lot. (The spit art and cheeto smudges just add a little something extra to it!)

Tara G. said...

I put towels over the formal dining room chairs when my kids sit in them for that very reason. You are so brave to test your tolerance in this way! Have a great vacation!

Taylor said...

That is hilarious! And I know exactly how you feel and what you mean...although I have a 2 year old little girl! She just happens to be somewhat of a tom-boy and she loves to make a mess!

Mandi said...

Amanda - I can always count on you to make me laugh! Thanks for the heads up...I'll start stockpiling antibacterial windex now while my son is only 15 months old!!!

Oh, how I pray the Lord will build some character in me while I clean up the floor and highchair multiple times each day!

Mommy Dot Com said...

I have the same table and six children. I covered the chairs in pleather. Dark brown pleather and I am pleased. And the glass? Well, I guess I could try to cover that in pleather too but I haven't yet. Tempting.

Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

This is hilarious. And so true. But what about the floor?!

CJ said...

LOL!!!!! Gotta love those sweet Momma lovin' boys!!!

Amy Storms said...

LOVE THIS! Sooo true.

Melissa said...

I was crying reading this post. I love you Noogs. You're the best.

Casi said...

I can definitely identify with the chair issue. What was I thinking when I bought chairs with cushions covered in an off white material?

I'm recovering them next weekend. About 5 years too late.

Megan said...

Thanks for the advice! I have taken a mental note!

Holly said...

I'm a bettin' that the boy is worth it, though!

Love you!

JayCee said...

LOL!

twinkle said...

Amanda, you must get a tablecloth for that table!

The cheaper the better...

Melinda said...

Just so you know, the "gross" factor is not completely reserved for little boys. I used to think it was until I asked God for girls and He gave me two.

Two just like their dad. :o)

Hugs,
Melinda

kittyhox said...

I would also advise any PB (pre-baby) ladies to be careful about sofa purchases. Do not invest in the gorgeous and expensive butter yellow Charles of London sofa. Just don't.

Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife said...

Perhaps you should adopt my favorite phrase since having children: "Can't have nuthin'"

My kids have spit, slobbered, ripped, shot with bb's everything decent I've ever owned. I'm told I will miss that one day when I'm sitting in my pristine house on my new, wonderfully sanitary sofa.

We'll see. :)

JenB said...

Ah, to have this wisdom 10 yrs ago. We started off our marriage with a cute little glass top table, and wrought iron chairs with wicker seats from Pier One. Two kids later, we passed that bad boy on to my BIL (no kids) minus a few chairs that had been picked apart, literally.
Don't even get me started on the glass storm doors.....

Becca said...

Ha! Loved this! Now, I'm so thankful we have wooden chairs. You crack me up, Amanda!

Angela said...

Oh great... I have a glass top table too! Oh well Ava is only 5 weeks old so I guess I have a while to replace it! Ha ;-)

Kelly said...

We have a similar table set along with a big glass coffee table and 2 side tables of glass - what was childless me thinking????

Heather said...

My table is not glass, but I certainly relate. I know God is working something out in me as I continually have to remind myself that it's "no big deal" as this house gets destroyed by my son and our dogs. One or the other is making a mess at all times!!

Cheri-Beri said...

We had a lovely couch set that was hunter green and very, very light beige squares. My then 2 year old son scribbled in black pen all over one square. Guess which square? Yep, the beige - if not white one.

Get a couch with a good, busy pattern.

Mary R Snyder said...

Ah Amanda -- we had a glass table when the girls were young and the same problem! Now, it's solid surface for me, I don't care that they are grown and almost grown.

Shannon said...

Very funny, yet very true. We have three boys, and yes, they are notoriously gross. Their sister reminds me of this daily when she chooses to use my bathroom over the designated "kid's bathroom." I would say that it gets better with age, but it really doesn't. Believe it or not, you do get used to it. May I suggest Crayola Wonder markers and paper or coloring books? They saved my boys (and me) from not surviving toddler-hood. Hang in there. He's only three once :)

Jenilee said...

This made me laugh! Don't you love the things you have to clean A HUNDRED times a day! I have 3 little girls who LOVE to make messes! :) Our kitchen table is wood but it has so many sticker marks, fork marks, scratches and dents... we will need a new table after they finish the "destructive" years. :)

The Barfuss Family said...

Hysterical and oh so precious. Jackson is such a boy! Just think - he will be teaching Annabeth how to join in his masterpiece soon. :)

beyond this moment said...

Magic Erasers would work great for cleaning off the crayon... not so sure about the spit.

Ah, life with small children. Never tidy, always an adventure. =)

The Bargain Shopper Lady said...

That's so funny (yet not funny) at the same time! I purchased a rustic table so all art work and marks "build character" to the table. I do think I am going to need a new couch after my youngest child turns 10 though.

spicymagnolia said...

Yeah for the pictures of the spit drawings! You gotta hand it to the Mister, he was really creative. :) Enjoy your vacation; can't wait to hear all about it!

skaggsportal said...

I LOVE IT! We have a kitchen table and chair just like it....and it doesn't help if the seat cover is black leopard print either....because the Cheetos residue and peanut butter swipes still show up. You are not alone sweet friend.....I've got my eye on a pretty good solid wood set at Ashley Furniture off I-10. Want me to order you one too?

Barr Family said...

That is hilarious! I feel that way about our leather furniture. We paid an arm and a leg for it, and it is tough..won't rip or tear, but my 4 year old traced my 2 year old's hand on it with permanant marker. Fun stuff. :)

Kelli said...

Well said my dear. There should be a book about this kind of stuff for brides!

Tracy said...

Did you know that crayola makes "window markers"? They would be so perfect for your table ... and the beauty is they clean easily with windex! Your table made me giggle ... mostly because I teach Kindergarten.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

This is awesome. And SO true.

Before we had our daughter, we used to babysit for a our friend's little one. She had a habit of going to our glass door and pressing her dirty little fingers and nose up against it. My hubby would follow her around with the Windex bottle and clean things up literally two seconds after she would touch the glass. I would laugh my head off watching him do this.

We have our own little girl now. Funny how he hardly ever reaches for the Windex bottle now. And our glass door is FILTHY. :) The things you learn to live with...

HappyascanB said...

This is hysterical! I love it!!! And I love Windex already, so it's good to know it'll become a MUST have with a child around!!!

Traci said...

Amen sister. My very grown up dining room set that I saved for years has teething marks on one of the legs of the chairs from my youngest- she crawled over and gnawed right through the finish. I had to convalesce over that one, but now (she's 9) I'm almost over it and that is her chair.

The Morfords said...

Oh, that made me laugh! I have 3 little boys, ages 8, 5 and 2. We have a nice maple wood table, and Goof Off has become my best friend - I recently discovered it even takes off Easter egg dye!

Moose Mama said...

Oh dear me.

We have a dark wood table with this very darkish heavy patterned cushions on the chairs.

We used our noodles on that purchase. And if the wood gets scratched....Sharpies! No kidding!

Melana

Teri~Facedown said...

Amanda,
I don't comment often, but wanted to tell you how much I relate! When I purchased my living room tables I NEVER pictured the fingerprints that accompany glass top tables. I hate them. I am SO over them!

Although, I did purchase some cool glass towels to clean the glass with. Basically, you don't have to use windex and paper towel, you can use any cleaner (I use lemon scented pine sol/water mixture.) and scrub all the grossness off with a scrubby, then use the blue shining cloth to dry and shine it. (Only to be messed up again very soon!)

And bless Jackson's heart! He is just precious. Spit painting and all!

:) Teri

Ohtobebeautiful said...

I had a glass coffee table and end tables and I got rid of them long before we had a baby. I HATE the fact that you had to dust them every other hour because they show every bit of dust/dirt. Cute post ;)

Andrea Frederick said...

I'm with ya. I have a boy, 6, and a girl, 5.....boys are so gross with their messy, dirty, germy hands. Need I go on? There are many times when I tell my son, "Don't touch me." And mean it, not b/c I don't love him but b/c he's so dang slimy!

Lauren Kelly said...

too funny, I love you Amanda!!!!! but I bet you wouldn't take back those fingerprints for anything in the world, because one day you'll be missing those little fingerprints, or maybe you won't haha!!!!! :)

Sharon said...

Oh, I can so relate. At least you were smart enough to confine the mess to one chair! ALL of my cushioned chairs look gross and are ruined. I've tried steam-cleaning them but it hasn't helped much. Sigh.

Our living room has a coffee table and two end tables made of glass. There isn't enough Windex in our house to keep up with the messy fingerprints.

Sharon
TX

Keri said...

Haven't read the comments so this may have already been mentioned, but when our glass coffee table met the likes of my boys, I could NOT believe how many smudges were actually on the under side of the glass. Not just on top. They didn't spend any time under there......I began to think they were seeping through from all the gunk on the top of the table.

We do have a wood kitchen table and I freaked the first time one of the boys wrote so hard on a piece of paper that it left marks on the table. I now love all the dents and marks......I can even read some of the words. All left from several years of doing homework, writing stories, doing thank you notes, etc. It's priceless!!

Kristen said...

That's too funny. I always say my biggest furniture regret is our glass table. Huge regret.

Becky said...

You are funny! My kids would dirty a glass table just for the opportunity to be the one to spray the Windex on it to clean it!

Tara said...

Girl, you crack me up! But you are totally telling the truth! I hope single ladies and moms-to-be listen!!!

And I just have to say that I had Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" running in my head through your whole post...

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Amen and amen.

Glass tables don't mix with children.

Callie said...

girl you are hysterical! I love it and I love being the mom of a boy too! (hence the new video of my little monster on my blog!)

creative gal said...

Too funny and so so so true!!

balmingilead said...

Hilarious - I know how you feel!
Amy

Lisa and Erik said...

Ha ha, we have (had) a white rug, white couch, white walls, white bed spread, and white curtains and then God gave us three kids. But you know, it's just not that big a deal.

Lindsee Lou said...

I am laughing so hard right now at that very last line. And it is so late. Too funny! Bless your table. At least it's way cute!

Also, thank you for being a Titus 2:4-5 woman by training those of us following, at some point, in your foot steps, especially in what kitchen table we should pick out. I mean, thank you. There's just no wisdom like this wisdome. At least we know your staying busy at home with Windex! And you know, some wee children. Ha!

Have a wonderful time on y'alls vacation. It will be great!

Lara said...

I did the same thing at Bombay with our glass top coffee table. I was so proud of it and how it shined...then I had 2 children and the rest is history. I still have the table and Windex and I are best friends!!

Lil Bit said...

You are oh-so-right! One thing is -- it doesn't matter if you have glass or wood, leather or microfiber, kids will be kids! They will find a way to mess it up regardless! =) That's why my suggestion to "all the single ladies" is WARRANTIES!! 5 YEAR WARRANTIES!!! =) Our living room furniture came with a 5 year guarantee that they (the furniture company) can get any stain out and if not, they will replace it at NO COST! Best part, if they have discontinued or changed the color, we will get BOTH the sofa and love seat replaced.... now that's what I'm talking about.... I'm thinking at about 4 year 8 months something might "mysteriously" happen....hmmm!!! SO KIDDING!!! But really -- glass tables are never clean. Wooden tables get covered in scratches and discolor. Cloth chairs get stained and light colored carpet is the perfect place to pour fruit punch! The best part is, it's all proof children live here/there! I would rather have a dirty, stained, fruit punch trail covered house than a clean, quiet, childless house ANYDAY!

Thanks for your humerous, truthful, realistic posts about everyday life from a mother just like the rest of us. It's nice to see/hear/read that I'm not the only one who has a child(ren) who likes to see HOW BIG OF A MESS HE CAN MAKE only to look up at me with his big blue eyes and give me that innocent smile that melts my heart, all the while knowing in his head he knows exactly how to get away with doing whatever he pleases because I love him too much to get mad when he gives me "that look!"

Oh yeah- and my other suggestion.... a DOG! They are the best vacuum cleaner when your child decides he is done with dinner and thinks the floor is hungry =)

Bobbie said...

Oh, those kids!!! Love them even more--we had a dark pine coffee table when our kids were little. Our daughter was practicing her 'abc's'on paper, but she was pressing with all her strength and those little letters were permanently in that table! I loved those letters--wishin' I still had the table.

Just keep the paper towels and Windex handy!

Blessings, Bobbie

Sunni at The Flying Mum said...

I'm off to ballet, and don't have time to comment on all your posts...but I just scanned and caught up. Love your glass table, and can only think of Sonic lunches on it. And love the thoughts about your kiddos. Annabeth is adorable in that smocked outfit. And I'm laughing about the goldfish story and inserting the word poo poo into the theme song. Hilarious! (Xavi's guitar students are two little boys and he says they LOVE to make up songs about poop while they strum their chords. They are two brothers, and they laugh so much at each other's poop songs.) Ava shoved a popcorn kernel up her nose not too long ago. Miss y'all! I think we're coming in June. P.S. Have fun on your adventure!!! Can't wait to see pics!

barbara head said...

It is sooooo much fun looking back with you and your younguns!!! I remember so well the days when I was a young wife and I wanted everything in my house to reflect "cool stuff". Then I had children: oh, wow, God does bless us with these "wee ones" BUT goodbye to "cool stuff" such as glass top tables. Your day will come, sweet one, then your house will be a showpiece but maybe not as "giggly" as before.

Kristie said...

Indeed, a scene very similar to this one made me finally break down and buy one of those brightly colored vinyl, felt-backed table cloths like my grandmother has. Yep, and I was only 27 when I bought it. And it only comes off when company's coming. :)

Mel @ Studio MCA Designs said...

Ha! Funny! I remember when my daughter was a baby and pulled up on someone's glass top coffee table. The whole top tipped up and nearly slid onto her. I don't know if I was more alarmed about the possibility of her getting hurt or breaking the glass top.

I have always been practical when it comes to furniture, and flooring for that matter. I buy tile and carpet that are the color of dirt and have plenty of speckles and shading in them. ;)

willblogforshoes said...

Stinkin' hilarious!

My mom bought a glass top dining room table when I was in junior high. After about a week, we ALL hated it with a passion!! I swore I'd never own one!

Donita said...

You are not the first woman/mom to give me this recommendation! Since I have two little boys (almost exactly the ages of your kids), I am thankful that before-kids I bought a sturdy wood table that isn't even shellaced...just oiled!

connorcolesmom said...

Oh yes a table almost exactly like that when we got married
I loved it until my son was born
It seemed to always have fingerprints on it - it drove me nuts
We now have a nice wood table and my sanity has returned :)

gracefulgirl said...

It may be gross, but be thankful it cleans up. I bought my dream table when we moved into a new home and was so particular about not letting my girls (I have three) write or draw or do anything else on it without a tablecloth or placemat so as to not mar the finish. What a surprise, then, to find my 6 year old's name CARVED into the top, along with a cute flower and the image of an ice-cream cone. After I brought her home from school that afternoon, I took her hand and led her to the table and showed her what I found there. Her response? "Oh my goodness, Mommy. Someone wrote my name on your table!"

Fran said...

Oh such great advice!!! And, its totally too funny.

Hugs,
Fran

Erica said...

You are cracking me up...now that I have little ones, I'm thankful that all we could afford before they were born was Rooms to Go!

amykat said...

Way too funny....and all too familiar! 3 year old boys can rock a mess!

Vintage Dutch Girl said...

Not only Windex....but Costco-sized Spray N Wash and a generous helping of patience!

It Feels Like Chaos said...

I just posted today about recovering my dining room chairs for this very reason!

Three Fold Cord said...

LOVE. THIS.
Your wisdom is of great worth to those who will take notice and apply it!!!!!

courtney said...

I'm so sorry about your table, but this made me laugh. And yet I'm so afraid...

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

We have had the same sad experience with a coffee table that looks like a miniature of your breakfast table that we bought when we were pregnant and clueless.

You know I have friends who only have girls and you go to their house, and they have Waterford figurines sitting on their glass coffee tables, and just leave their laptops out, with a glass of ice tea next to it, and big ole pokers next to the fireplace...I just stare in awe and wonder.

Hayley said...

We had to get rid of our coffee table too when our first baby started pulling up to teeth on it :) and our first couch is now in the playroom with so much grime and so many stains...why did we spend money on nice things before we had kids??

Leanne said...

I have one word for you..."Norwex". You seriously must look up this company and get a set of their enviro cloth/polishing cloth. The enviro cloth replaces all of your cleaning products like windex, lysol, vim etc. The polishing cloth is like the paper towel. It is a wonder on windows, mirrors, tables, bathrooms, showers, sinks, counters etc. The best part is you only use water and it kills all of those nasty bugs/bacteria. Love it!!1 Wish I had this product when my kids were little...they could have easily helped without the use of any chemicals!! You would love it for your table...quick and easy. We can always learn from our mistakes though can't we!!

Sarah said...

So sad. But at least you did the single ladies a service when you warned them--my best friend put almost white carpet in her brand-new home, and bought black appliances for her kitchen, and I didn't have the heart to tell her they'd be filthy the second she had her first child. Fast forward 5 years and 3 children later, and she had to rip out the carpet. I should've warned her.

If you find a solution to the table woes, I'm all ears. I have a glass-topped coffee table, and it usually has handprints all over it. No spit, though. Yet.

Michele Helms said...

Thank the Lord I never bought a glass table! I also think that your carpet should be the color of apple juice...or darker! :)

Lauren said...

Annie's comment about the light carpet made me laugh! She is my sister in law and we live in their old house with that light carpet. It's hard to keep is beautiful even as a husband and wife with no children yet...haha! Happy Cleaning!

Wifeof1Momof4 said...

You are SO correct! I HAD, emphasis, HAD a table like this, but it was hunter green and copper!!! Whoohoo!

Let's just say for my son's 3rd birthday, I GOT A NEW wooden TABLE and sold my glasstop table to his godmother!
hehehehe

katiegfromtennessee said...

Little Momma!:) You make me smile! That spit art was beautiful;). I want to let you know, with my in vitro I am doing, I will probably be doing my egg retrieval surgery and my embryo transfer probably sometime within the next 4-5 days. I am getting close:) Please pray for me to keep trusting in Him, and clinging to Him. I pray for you and your fam and LPM all the time:) Love ya'll. Princess warrior, not a worryer!:)

((HUGS)), blessed day to you,

katiegfromtennessee

Karla said...

I know....I know!!! I had a sofa table, coffee table and two end tables - all with glass! It was a nightmare. Needless to say, two kids later, they are all gone. Hang in there!

Allison said...

amen sister! My kitchen table is sooo gross. And with glass you have to keep not only the top side clean, but the underneath as well. But, at least I don't have to worry about scratches or them leaving wet glasses on a wood table!

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

SOOOO funny (and true..LOL)!

Bonky's Mom said...

Okay yes...totally agree as the mama of a three and a half year old. Yogurt smearing is an art form at our house. ;0

I'm new to your blog! I'll look forward to reading more!

Allison said...

LOL....Seriously, I just finished scrubbing my table w windex and a scrub brush....ahhh motherhood!

The Davidson Den said...

I was going to say something funny about something MY kids had done, but then I saw the comment from Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife where her kids shot something with bb's, and that was just too much. If I had been drinking something I would have spewed it all over this computer screen.

Tasha said...

I love this post. So true. And can I ever relate.

In the meantime, get you some really cute oil cloth (it comes in all kinds of colors and patterns)and recover your chair bottoms (just unscrew them from the bottom and use staples to attach it). They will be wipeable and you can keep a smidge of your sanity a little longer.

Fiffer said...

Love your post...so funny, yet so true!

Guess what? I got to say hi to your mom at NDP in Lancaster yesterday! Woo hoo! And even saw your dad & Travis too and got some sweet pix of them on my blog. The only thing that went wrong was that when the emcee introduced her he said she loves her grandchildren Jackson and Anna MAY!! I wanted to jump up and correct him but cooler heads prevailed as my husband said security would probably tackle me if I jumped up and started yelling even if it was in good intentions!

Just wanted to wish you a very happy Mothers Day! You are so blessed!

Superchikk said...

Forget having a little boy. When it was just Husband and me, our glass table drove me insane. I banished it from the house during one of our moves and it was the best thing I could've done for my sanity. I can't imagine having that thing with my toddler around now!

Q. and La. said...

Lovely AND hilarious. Maybe it IS good that I am having a girl!

Kim said...

Just got around to reading this and it is too funny. We have/had a beautiful glass table with the beautiful white cushions on the seats. It is now in the garage (waiting for the garage sale) and our kids were teenagers when we bought it. Funny how bbq sauce and ketchup will find their way to the white cushion every single time.

Still have the glass coffee table - attracts dust like there is no tomorrow. Especially when company is coming!

much older mom said...

Amanda,
It's great that you can make light and laugh about the dirty table. As my husband's godly, wise grandmother used to say, "In a hundred years, who'll know." Just keep being the fun, happy mom you are! That's what your kids will remember and cherish.